As requested by SkinnyGreenKiller
, I'm going to critique their character, Victor. Name- Victor Dredg
Species- Victoreon/Jumper (MIX)
*Let me just say I really like the name Victor, it gives me a sense of sophistication. The age is reasonable, but I would like to know more about his species. Basically, you've caught my interest.*
Victor was born and raised in a breeding facility; at age 15 he finally escaped. After traveling for miles he eventually gave up hope; only to be found half dead by Sindor Sivle. Sindor took him home and cared for him until he was able to get out of bed; she tried many times to get him to talk about where he came from, but he never cracked. Eventually Victor begin to hear whispers in his thoughts; little voices that called and critiqued his every move. He had never heard them before due to the medication the breeding facility kept him on; but after he had become free he was able to hear them loud and clear. The voices told him to do things; things that a normal person would not be able to comprehend; at first he tried to ignore them, but eventually it became too much and he gave in.
Victor felt angry; unexplainably mad, it seemed his rage rose out of pure nothingness, little did he know that he had actually been holding in his rage for nearly his entire life. He was no longer far too drugged to feel emotion, and now that his soul was free he could finally let go of all of that rage. At age 16 Victor committed his first crime; Sindor had taken him to a church to see if that could help him relax. The words of the priest frightened and enraged the voices; and through their demand Victor waited for the sun to go down, before he brutally murdered the priest. After releasing his pent up rage Victor felt much better; however after a few days the voices began to whisper once more. They spoke of how well Victor had done with his first murder; and how much funner it'd be to continue this path.
Victor killed three more times before he was discovered by Sindor; but instead of revealing him to the police Sindor decided to help him with his crimes. Over time Sindor had developed feelings for Victor; and she was happy to assist him in any way possible, she cleared out her basement and bought him many different tools and machines to work with. She and her friends carved a large torture table out of the floor; and in that basement Victor would torture and kill whoever he saw fit. After a while Victor noticed others acting suspicious; he knew that they expected something bad of him, and Sindor knew how to lessen their woes. Victor began incorporating his killing skills with Sindor's cooking skills; and eventually took up a job selling stew in the town square. That was when "Victor's Special Stew" became popular among the city folk; and worry about Victor had faded.
Over time Victor made many friends and killed many enemies; his friends were always supportive and he seemed to be living the dream. Victor now lives a peaceful life; never running low on food or entertainment, he has a wonderful mate that would do anything for him, and he is content with his job and daily life.
(I've decided to review the bio first, so I don't get confused on things. Here we go.)
*What is the breeding factory? Who runs it, what is their motive? What's going on with that? I like the idea, but in my opinion, the more detail you have on something, the better. Who is Sindor, where is she from and what's her story?
Moving on. It seems as if Victor suffers from PTSD, which would make sense if we knew more about the breeding factory.
Does Victor kill at random? Why would he kill the priest? His only motive is pent up anger, but I would think he would go for people like those who worked at the factory, not an innocent priest. Why did the priest's sermon affect the voices? Is the guy like a total dick??
Also, quick question about the society. Is the entire world wolf people? (I know that's not Victor's technical species, but I'm just going off of looks) Or is Victor a mutant and just weirdly accepted into society?
WHAT IS SINDOR'S MOTIVE TO HELPING VICTOR WITH HIS CRIMES? What's up with her? It states in the story that she began to help him with the crimes before she fell in love, so I see no motive for this what the heck?
Just a comment on the "torture basement", I'd recommend that they make a soundproof room (unless they're out in the country or something), because neighbors would notice the screams and the smell probably? Also, why are Sindor's friends so eager to help with a torture table??? Who are they???? Wait a minute, does he pull a Sweeney Todd move and put his victims into his stew? It'd make sense, and is a seemingly good way to dispose of the bodies.
First and foremost I'd like to compliment your writing, I saw little to no grammar/format errors, and is overall pretty mediocre. My problem is how quickly things progressed. There is little to no explanation on some things (My questions are stated above), the motive for things don't make sense to me. But overall, I like this character. It's pretty creative.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Abilities--He can run very fast on all fours; do to him having Jumper legs.-Can jump very high and far distances.-His large wings are very strong, he can fly for up to five hours.-He's good at hand to hand combat; very good dodger.-His dark coat and thin form allow him to move quickly and unnoticed in the night.
*His abilities are pretty cool. Not much to say besides that c: :bademoticon: *
Large ears - Natural occurrence in Victoreon anatomy.
Small sharp teeth - Jumper Dragon's have small needle like teeth, used to easily grab and hold onto prey.
Fluffy tails - Victoreon's are usually recognized for having large bushy tails, it is still unknown how he required a second, but it is believed to have been caused by interbreeding (Parents being brother and sister)
Jumper Dragon legs - This is definitely proof that he is the offspring of a Jumper Dragon. Jumper Dragon's are able to run on all fours very quickly, and can to jump high places in order to sneak attack prey.
Feathered wings - All Victoreon's are born with feathered wings, however Victoreon wings tend to be the same color as their eyes. It is unknown as to why Victor's wing and eye colors don't match.
*I'd like to know more about the Victoreon species. Also, ew, incest. I guess it provides a gross twist to the story, but was one of them a Victoreon and the other sibling a Jumper Dragon? What's going on, did Victor never know his parents?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Weight: 50 Pounds
Height: 4 Ft. 5 Inch.
~Jade green (Fur) (st.hzcdn.com/simgs/6da162c405f…)
~Dark forest green (Hair/Eyes) (www.betterbuiltbarns.com/image…)
~Magenta purple (Ear tips) (www.thecolorswatch.com/mm5/gra…)
~Faded neon green (Muzzle/Inside of ears, stomach, hands) (lqmebel.ru/wp-content/uploads/…)
~Coal black (Jacket) (s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/5…)
~Dark indigo blue (Wings) (s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/7…)
~BubbleGum pink (Paw pads) (s.graphiq.com/sites/default/fi…)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*The weight and height don't really add up. If your character is 4'5", they'd probably be at least 90 pounds? (Don't quote me on that I could be wrong)
I kind of like the cool color theme going on, but I'm not one for neon colors. That's just me though.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Victor's Good & Bad qualities
1) He has anger issues.
2) He is very greedy.
3) He's an egomaniac.
1) He is brave, but his braveness can quickly become foolishness.
2) He does know how to calm himself, without hurting others, but he rarely does so.
*I really like that you embrace his flaws and include them!
SO, there it is! My critique! (I'm sorry this took so long, I got kind of busy. Thank you so much for requesting, and I hope that this helps a bit!
I'd rate your character a 7/10. It has my interest and is a seemingly good character, but I'd like more information/motive.